Blissful dissatisfaction: The sweet spot of growth and contentment

How do we reconcile ambition and the innate human desire for ‘more’, with peace of mind and loving the present moment just as it is?

Balancing the tension between these apparently dialectical states of mind doesn’t have to be as elusive, or divisive for our headspace, as it might sound. Rather, one can and should facilitate the other. Ambition, growth and major excitement for the future are critical pieces of the peace-of-mind puzzle.

Spending five minutes (aka inevitably scroll-holing for 25+…) on Instagram can overwhelm us with conflicting advice. The pseudo-therapy corner of the internet wants to comfort (delude) us into believing “you should experience infallible happiness and self-esteem right now, simply because you exist”, which is about as useful as when our (misguided but not malicious) parents demand that depressed sports stars simply snap out of their wealthy whining.

Meanwhile the virtually inavoidable comparison of our personal mess to others’ highlights can create an insurmountable feeling of not-enoughness and a pressure to always be, do, and have more.

The goalposts are forever moving away like the horizon, eluding us as if grasping at a leaf in water. (There’s a beautiful metaphor to be made about the leaf settling into our hands when we don’t clutch so hard at it…)

How is one meant to experience peace of mind amongst all of this noise?

Here are a few key concepts that I’ve found profoundly helpful, Frankenstein’d from a mix of podcasts, reading, journalling and reflecting on my own experiences, discussing the intricacies of life with similarly introspective friends, and many life lessons absorbed from my three manic Jack Russell’s:

1- Understanding that we are biologically wired for growth and to persistently experience dissatissfaction. You are NOT MEANT to experience 100% contentment (at least not for more than a moment or three), and we certainly aren’t meant to be happy 24/7. Not much has changed in our biology from when priority number one was don’t allow you or your loved ones to get whomped by a wooly mammoth. Rather, like all living creatures, every fibre of our being is oriented towards first surviving, and then thriving as a species. Life is a growth-centred experience, and sustained contentment doesn’t serve the cause.

You know that magical brain stuff called dopamine that everyone goes on about? It’s not strictly a pleasure pathway, it’s the motivation molecule. We simply need to learn to direct it towards our growth rather than our demise and self-shame. Rather than resisting the notion of growth and achievement, one of the best things you can do for creating mental wealth is to 1- accept that we’re growth-oriented creatures and you can’t avoid this, and thus 2- create a vision for a future that legitimately excites you. This is ironically critical to creating more peace of mind, by harnessing our in-built orientation towards dissatisfaction to craft a future that we’re LIT UP BY**

**Please note that this doesn’t mean every person must strive for elite fitness, massive wealth, and any other fantastical achievement to conquer life. It merely means you must get clear on what would be truly fulfilling to you, and then much of blissful dissatisfaction is simply the feeling of moving towards that (and gratitude for where you’re already experiencing it….)

2- Happiness isn’t (exclusively) pleasure, it’s peace and presence. What does every ‘happy’ experience in your life have in common, from a particularly delightful morning coffee in the sun, to the major milestones and memories, despite a spectrum of vastly differing contexts?

That you weren’t wishing for that moment to be vastly different. You loved it as it was, and had your focus on where your feet were. The beautiful irony is that a significant creator of happiness is the feeling of growth and progression. (Biologically, this is chemicals like dopamine (motivation), oxytocin (social love and acceptance) and serotonin (satisfaction with what we currently have) going bananas).

This in essence is the antidote to the ‘I’ll be happy when ____’ curse. It’s understanding that happiness is found in a balance of appreciation for what we already have, working with the cards we’ve been dealt, as well as in the growth towards what we desire.

3- Blending #1 and #2, I’m proposing that much of happiness is found in a combination of presence, peace, and the pursuit of what would light us up. This means it’s fundamental to familiarise yourself with flow states. (I seem to be loving alliteration lately….)

While the spiritual associations with the term ‘flow’ do have their merit (primarily through allowing us to work with life’s messes rather than resisting them), this is actually a scientifically studied brain state that has been shown to correlate strongly with happiness and life satisfaction.

Every single person has experienced flow (I’ll write another article about how it is experientially like the opposite of anxiety or overwhelm….) Flow is simply being lost in the current task. It’s the wonderful conversation that you wish would never end, when hours fly by in a moment; it’s being fully immersed in a book when you’d swear that you were living the story. Flow is snowsports and surfing, gaming and writing and creating, but it’s also the elation of having a breakthrough with a work project and getting stuck in for the next half hour without interruptions.

Stephen Kotler’s book ‘The Art Of Impossible’ is one of the best I’ve ever read, and delves deep into the power of flow states for both achievement and mental wellbeing.

Flow is essentially being 100% present, and can be experienced purely for fun as well as in the pursuit of growth (or simply chipping away at our responsibilities, if they’re mentally engaging enough).

So in summary, what message am I trying to convey with my first ever blog article?

That we’re not meant to experience 100% satisfaction with life. However, with the right perspective, a healthy appreciation for the current circumstances, and having an exciting tomorrow to work and grow towards, we can taste significantly more bliss in the pursuit.

Developing ‘blissful dissatisfaction’ as part of my personal ethos has driven countless other shifts in my outlook on life, and essentially resulted in much more resilience, calmness, contentment and healthy perspective. When you develop an identity of ‘person who can find peace of mind, and sometimes even bliss, regardless of the circumstances’ and combine this with valuing growth and positively impacting others, you learn to all at once find unbridled joy in the smallest moments, while developing unshakeable resilience through working with life (and our sometimes frustrating biology), rather than against it.